Harry Potter and the Terrible Fanfic!
by Rishiy
Summary: Thi is a parody on all those bad fanfics you see that distort the plot and are generally bad..... Its bad itself but thats ok, its parodying something bad...


Disclaimer: None of these character belong to ma and are all the property of J.K. Rowling blah blah! Go J.K! You rock!  
  
Harry Potter and the Terrible Fanfic - By Rishiy  
  
Yes! I bring you a fanfic! Prepare for a story full to burst with irrational couplings things that have nothing to do with the plot , miss matched personalities and bad grammar! Enjoy!  
  
A small gust of wind blew through the department of mysteries, sending a rustle through the still room. The veil covering the arch at the end, gave a mall inviting flutter. Suddenly, a flash of lightning branched out from the heaven, filling the room with a blinding thigh and an ear splitting rumble, the whole room now engulfed in wind. As the wind died down however, and the light dimmed, the room was no longer empty. There, in front of the veil stood a man, his grey, shabby robs falling down around his ankles, fluttering in the breeze. He looked up, a smile flickering into existence on his bony, tired looking face, all the beauty and youthfulness gone. He began to laugh, raising his hands to his eyes, looking them over and brushing away his black hair.  
  
"I 1Z |=R33333333333333333333333!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111" he bellowed, happiness in his deep booming voice.  
  
Sirius Alive - Check!  
  
***  
  
Harry woke with a start, his scar throbbing, cold sweat running down his back. It had only been a dream, he reassured himself shakily, feeling for his glasses. But dreams for Harry Potter were no ordinary dreams! Harry Potter, after all was no ordinary middle aged man.  
  
Harry the Adult Years - Check!  
  
'But it had been so real!' he thought to himself. He had seen it, Voldermort, his arch nemesis, the person he had saved the world from countless times in his times in his school days.  
  
'Ahhh, the good old days!' he thought sighing, remembering his friends Hermione and Ron. But Voldermort! He remembered! He had found what he was looking for, a piece of parchment, he began to read it, and then Harry had woken up. Oh thank god he hadn't paid attention in Occlumency!  
  
'That's it! I'm getting therapy!' he shouted at himself in his head, throwing on his slippers and trudging downstairs.  
  
"Good morning dear!" he breathed as he walked into the kitchen.  
  
"Good morning Harry!" Cho smiled. Cho had been Harry's childhood sweetheart, and he had been delighted the day he proposed. He gave her one last smile, taking in the image of her leaning of the frying pay in her purple lace lingerie.  
  
The Writers Fantasies Plastered Everywhere - Check! Uhh. this is a parody, not my fantasies.*hides*  
  
This was bliss, a perfect wife, a nice house; a silent Saturday mor- The silence was broken as Cho began screaming, her lungs fit to burst?  
  
"What is it?!" he yelled, jumping up, pulling his wand out of the back of the boxers he had been sleeping in. He looked in the direction her quivering finger was pointing. As he saw what the cause of her trauma was, he gave her a light kiss on the forehead before striding out into the garden to sort it out.  
  
"What do you want Linny?" he asked the girl who was standing there. She was in her late teens, with straggly brown hair, tied back in a ponytail. She wore an assortment of robes, from the Hogwarts ones to the Gryffindor team Quidditch robes. She also had a huge pile of various wizard hats perched precariously on her head.  
  
"I - Need - A - Hug!" she shrieked, bursting into tears in Harry's arms. Harry got these fans a lot, he was, after all famous.  
  
"There there." he muttered, knowing full well that she had com for the hug.  
  
"It's my birthday, today." she whimpered.  
  
"Oh, well why didn't you say?!" he exclaimed, jumping away and bursting into song. "It's yo birthday! Happy birthday toooo ya! Aint nobody love ya like I love ya! I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF ITS QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY!" he finished, parading round the garden. The girl gave him a scared, but satisfied look, before jumping onto a broom and whizzing away.  
  
As Harry walked back into the house chuckling, and sat himself back down on his chair, Cho cam and perched herself perkily on his lap, handing him a roll of parchment.  
  
"This came for you!" she smiled, handing it to him.  
  
Dear Harry,  
  
Something terrible has happened! I believe it to be the return of Voldermort! Thankfully the Death Eaters are all too fat and lazy with big round beer bellies to help him, so it means he's going in alone, but your presence is required at Hogwarts IMMEDIATELY!  
  
Yours Dumbledore.  
  
Cheesy Half Thought Out Start To a Plot - Check!  
  
"I have to go sweetie!" he whispered to Cho as she clung to his leg. "I'll be back in a few days! I promise!"  
  
"NOOOOO!" she whimpered, letting her hands flop to the floor a he cried feebly.  
  
"Bye!" he called as he drove away, Cho dissolving into another torrent of tear in the middle of the road.  
  
Cho the Ho - Check! ;)  
  
As Harry pulled up into the Hogwarts grounds, he saw Dumbledore come down to meet him. He smiled at his old head teacher the man that he had supposedly had so many flings and one night stands with.  
  
"Harry!" he called in greeting. "Come in!" he muttered, leading him up to the castle. "So, how's the Auror career going? Tough business that! Stick to it stick to it!" he muttered punching him on the arm.  
  
Perfectly Good Developed Characters Personalities Thrown to the Dogs - Check!  
  
The pair stepped up into the great hall, laughing and chatting merrily as they caught up on the year's events. But as they got to the staff table something hit Harry.  
  
"It awfully empty in here isn't it?" he asked, staring out at the one or two students eating slowly at each table.  
  
"Ahhh yes, that's part of why we called you, it seems a great majority just hopped out of bed this morning and rushed off in hopes of vanquishing their arch nemisises, nemisees.. Enemies. There really was little we could do to stop them, we were held up by little Joey Crevey who seemed to had become some kind of half acromantula, and come to think of it they all had the trait of some twisted lineage. Jessie Newbrook even had a burger for a head!" he finished, eyes wide.  
  
"Hmmm.." muttered Harry to himself. "And what about this lot, why aren't they all chasing some heroic destiny?"  
  
"Ahhh, we've questioned them all individually and it seems they have all just remembered some forgotten secrets and their villages were all massacred and their parents died right in front of them and stuff."  
  
"Ahhh, I see!" lied Harry.  
  
"O - Oh but don't worry! You'll have plenty of help! I've enlisted Top Auror Ron Weasly and his wife, other top Auror Hermione Weasly! Oh and top Herbologist Neville Longbottom and his wife, top seer Parvati Longbottom. Oh, and also gay couple Seamus Finigan and Dean Thompson, they're unspeakable! Lavender Brown is also coming for no reason" Dumbledore stammered. "They should be here any mo-" but he was cut off for at that moment, a fully grown Ron, Hermione, Neville, Parvati, Dean, Seamus and Lavender strode in.  
  
Reunited With Childhood Friends Who Happen to Be Married - Check!  
  
Some Slash Action - Check!  
  
"Professor Cocobean should have the report on what we think has happened, she's the new Defense against the Dark arts teacher. We found out why the job was jinxed by the way. Turns out a nest of killer psychic Doxy's are living in the office but can be removed because if they are the whole world will be put in grave danger."  
  
"Oh, so nothing out of the ordinary then!" Dean smiled, though he was being serious.  
  
As the small group sat, catching up and watching the depressed students file off to lessons, a small fat black witch hobbled up do Dumbledore, handing him a piece of paper before hobbling away again.  
  
"Ahhh! It turns out Voldermort has found a lost artifact called the Terrible Fanfic! It seems that what ever you write comes true, he's hiding in. The Phoenix Philosophers Chamber of Azkaban!"  
  
"Where's that?" Hermione gasped in awe.  
  
"Up on the second floor third door on your right can't miss it." Dumbledore said quickly, leaning back on his chair. "Well? Get going! Shoo! Shoo! Aboushka!  
  
Uhhhh.Some Weird Russian Word - Check!  
  
The team raced up the stairs and along the corridor, brandishing their wands, as they got to the door marked 'Voldies Room - Please Knock', they gave each other quizzical looks, knocked, then knocked the door down.  
  
"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAH!" immediately burst out at them a they fell through into the dungeon. "I have the fanfic! You can only defeat me by acting out what typically goes on in a fanfic!"  
  
Villain For Some Reason Tells The Protagonist How He Can Be Defeated - Check!  
  
"Uhhhh.." Hermione panicked as Voldermort skipped round the room singing show tunes. "Uhhhh. THE MIN CHARACTER ALWAYS HAS A GAY FLING! Accio Malfoy!" she shrieked. She pushed him towards Harry, slamming their heads together in a sloppy kiss.  
  
"How do you know?!" gasped Harry coming up for air. Dean and Seamus looking both thrilled and disappointed.  
  
"I just do!" she shouted, slamming their heads together one more time. As the two boys parted, Voldermort Fell down screaming, one of the sheets of paper catching alight and disappearing.  
  
2What else do they do?!" yelled Ron, straining to be heard over Voldermort's rendition of 'Hey Big Spender'. "Uhhhh.. They are completely out of Character! Someone do that!"  
  
Immediately, Neville rushed to the front and recited a string of multiplications without mistake, then proceeded to recite everything that had ever happen and the whole of his Gran's shopping list. With the last item (tuna fish salad) Voldermort fell, like a stone to water, exploding as he collided with the ground.  
  
"We did it!" Parvati gasped. "Group huuug, Ahhhhhhh!" she muttered as they all huddled together in the middle of the room.  
  
"Oh and look, McGonagall and Dumbledore are suddenly here, ahhhhhhhhh!"  
  
"Oh look! Ginny singing show tunes and is also suddenly here, ahhhhhhhhh!"  
  
"Oh look! Another incarnation of Voldermort is hugging us! Why won't he die?!? Ahhhhhhhhhh!  
  
"Oh look! Deans dead cos this took too long! Ahhhhhhh!"  
  
Got Worse As It Got Near The End - Check!  
  
Complete Randomness - Check!  
  
A Very Bad Fanfic - Check!  
  
A Very Good Parody - Check!  
  
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!  
  
***  
  
This story is dedicated to Linny, THE Harry Potter fan girl! 


End file.
